Thank you... I don't want to know you anymore

I want to use the word angry when describing my mood right now, but i know that, that is an extreme understatement.
So tell me please cus I think I'm a little confused... what kind of douche do you have to be to doubt me...
And especially on a matter of such importance
I won't cry for  you like that again
there was a time where you told me you didn't have the same feelings for me.. and i loved and trusted you through it, even when you weren't trusting or loving me.
There was a time where you hid things from me for three weeks, and told everyone else things around me, and i didn't leave you.
There was a time where you told me you loved me to my face.. and just a little while later admitted that you were lying to me.
There's a time right this very second where i feel that no matter what i do, or how ever many times i look past your extreme lacks in logical thinking, I'll never get you to trust me the same way that I trust you
And I think that right now I feel more hurt by you then ever before......
I gave you the most important parts of me... and an experience I can never share with anyone else and in return all I get from you is doubt and mis trust.
I'm hurt ........

I'm an adult now by Pursuit of Happiness

I'm An Adult Now lyrics

Well, I don't hate my parents

I don't get drunk just to spite them

I've got my own reasons to drink now

Think I'll call my dad up and invite him

I can sleep in till noon anytime I want

Though there's not many days that I do

Gotta get up and take on that world

When you're an adult it's no cliche it's the truth

(Chorus)

'Cause I'm an adult now

I'm an adult now

I've got the problems of an adult

On my head and on my shoulders

I'm an adult now

I can't even look at young girls anymore

People will think I'm some kind of pervert

Adult sex is either boring or dirty

Young people they can get away with murder

I don't write songs about girls anymore

I have to write songs about women

No more boy meets girl boy loses girl

More like man tries to figure out what the hell went wrong

I can't take any more illicit drugs

I can't afford any artificial joy

I'd sure look like a fool dead in a ditch somewhere

With a mind full of chemicals

Like some cheese-eating high school boy

Sometimes my head hurts and sometimes my stomach hurts

And I guess it won't be long

Till I'm sitting in a room with a bunch

of people whose necks and backs are aching

Whose sight and hearing's failing

Who just can't seem to get it up

Speaking of hearing, I can't take too much loud music

I mean I like to play it, but I sure don't like the racket

Noise, but I can't hear anything

Just guitars screaming, screaming, screaming

Some guy screaming in a leather jacket

Wooah!

(Chorus)

Special little nothings

   It seems just a little strange to me how well we fit together now.( birds of a feather, peas of a pod, peanut butter and jelly). It's not a sensation I believe can be described acuratley enough. Now you love me, and I hear it all the time, it fills my heart with happiness. You support me, and cherish me for who I am, your never pushing me to be different. And when I say that there's something I feel like changing, you always reassure me that either way I'm perfect to you.
   Just last night we were talking about "our" future, and I felt safe I wanted that to be our reality. And in the midst of all this change, my first love has been struggling, searching for help and support. He's always been the "irresistable thing" for me I've lost a lot of good relationships because I just couldn't let go. And honestly I talked to him for hours on the phone. But it's always been easy to hear his voce, and when we were done talking and I went back to texting you. For the first time I loved you more than I ever had before. I didn't really understand it all to well, but I figured that my heart finally found something real and stable and something it truely longs for. I realizes that your the only one from now on that will do
i love you Forever and Always... it's true

6/8/10

My eyes are burning,

cus the sun is bright.

My heart is pounding at the wish,

to be curled up in your arms tonight.

The summers heat waves,

burn my feet.

The oceans coast is calling,

but I'm not sure if it's smile I will meet.

Cus our junior summer's just begun,

and i feel as heavy as a loaded gun.

I've sent my kisses through the phone,

But i think your signal gone, leaving us alone.

I said i love  you,

you thanked me back.

I felt a skipped heart beat,

and waited, for you to reply something else back.

I just sat in silence with the phone,

you thought I'd fallen asleep,

but you would've never known,

that I think I realized something I didn't want to know.

Your keeping things from me again,

Your getting my heart twisted on false hope,

and crying in my own arms tonight,

I won't be texting love to you anymore.

Cus this is my heart slammed into another door,

now being with you is becoming my chore

I do know how to love you,

I don't think I can love you anymore

I don't think I love you

I don't want to let my self love you anymore

In those summer nights

I first met you on those icy days, 

on the verge of seventeen.

Daddy had long gone, 

up and left the scene too,

many years ago to count.

Days played with the shadows on my six string,

And I can't ever tell you what possessed me, to play.

with my fingers, young and reckless, plucking, blister kissed 

and the uncertainty in my voice.

Daily like a ritual, 

songs spilled from me in those summer nights.

And all there was to catch the fading tune under the star light, 

were two ears upon your head right

placed with heavenly perfection

Once on the cliff of eight teen, 

You tried to sing with me in harmony,

you added 3 words to the song of  my life.

And I warned you then, like my six string reminds me now

   " I love you I do, and I know you'll love me true,

     everyday that you can, but when you leave

     know that I won't cry cus I've been told, 

    Love will always be as shifting as sand." 

Profound once, maybe?

now carved into a tombstone, baby, 

it makes me wish I'd thought of something more loving to say.

Days played with the shadows on my six string,

And I can't ever tell you what possessed me, to play.

with my fingers, callused and sore, plucking, hopeless 

and the sorrow in my voice.

On the road of twenty, 

I went back to the places where you loved me,

And sat and cried my tears for you.

With my 6 string playing your perfect harmony, 

and my voice covered in memories,

I sang just like I used to talk to you.

The wind came like it does with the january rain, 

and up and stole my voice away, it's true

And I've prayed that it brought it straight to you.

Fearless wondering, 

where nothings scary cus you got nothing that you don't want to lose

I have no choices that I even care enough about to choose

With a voice that doesn't speak

Days played with the shadows on my six string,

And I can't ever tell you what possessed me, to play.

with my fingers, aged and fading, plucking, without rest 

and the brokenness in my voice.

And baby, I know i haven't visited lately,

That's because I ain't the same thing I used to be,

The wind up and changed me completely,

I don't even recognize this face no more.

Crawling through the age of ninety, 

Soon darlin' I know you'll come and find me,

 and guide me to the very end.

Now all i can pray is that in heaven they have six strings,

And if the good LORD permits me,

I'll play those summer songs for you.

Like I did when we were happy, 

Just to know that we were on the verge of something

When loving life was easy,

And loving you true,

In those summer nights, 

Was all I ever wanted to do.

Lyrics to I Would Be Sad :

I would be sad because you left me all alone

I would be sad because the lies that you had told

I would be sad because I got left by a girl that I adore

I would be sad because the love I’ve had before

I meant what I said when I said I would settle down with you

Although I know it’s not something that you were asking me to do

And I know we are young but we won’t always be so marry me

Let’s not be that predictable young couple changing moving on

But I can tell by watching you that there’s no chance of pushing through

The odds are so against us you know most young love it ends like this

I would be sad because you left me all alone

I would be sad because the lies that you had told

I would be sad because I got left by a girl that I adore

I would be sad for all the love I’ve had before

I meant what I said when I said I would rearrange my plans and change for you

You know me I’ve always been the kind with easy confidence

Confident enough to honestly believe that nothing out there 

Is stopping me especially not someone who’s not loving me

Now listen here I told you I could live on without loving you

I was bluffing then but it seems that just might have been the truth

Well my dad told me one-day son this girl will think of what she’s done

And hurting you will be the first of many more regrets to come

And he said if she doesn’t call than it’s her fault and it’s her loss

I say it’s not that simple see but then again it just may be

I would be sad because you left me all alone

I would be sad for the lies that you had told me

I would be sad because I got left by a girl that I adore

I would be sad for all the love I had before

I would be sad for all the love I had before 

" You remind me of the song that I am, and you sing me back into myself"

     I was thinking today, which I know is a dangerous thing when you have an imagination as sharp as mine. It can be considered a weapon of mass destruction, but i don't see any militaries busting down my front door just yet so I think I'm safe for now. I thought about your face, and I thought about how much I hate you right now, and also about your voice. I tried to dwell on how hypocritical you are and I desperately tried to talk myself into throwing out all the love i have that you keep thanking me for, but not returning.

     I realized in all my inner conflict that there are a lot of things I haven't said to you that upset me. And though I've spent the past almost 10 months in my inner turmoil I thought it would be healthy to write these complaints down, so their no longer threatening the life they belong to. I wanted to properly complain to you about us in a place I know you will never see these things. Whether or not you even care to read and hear these complaints is debatable at best. So in all deliberations this way seems best to convey to you our relationship through my eyes. Also it will help me go on pretending that you walk on water.

      I perceive you to have moderately nobel intentions, and I probably stretch the credit as much as I possibly can. In order to reassure myself that you do care, and to also protect myself from being hurt so often by you. Repeatedly I fell that I am thrown into an emotional spiral with my feeling towards you, and this is obviously unconscious to your knowing. I won't let myself be so heartless, and pathetic to deny having an overpowering need to love you, and a yearning to protect you. But sadly you seem to not be effected by my vigorous devotion, thus you are creating a whole and a mark on my heart.

       Love in the form of words seems to something you don't process well, or at all this assumption being bases upon 10 months of experience with you. You say that you prefer to show and use actions to convey what your feeling and thinking. But I'm admitably at a loss, your actions are more misleading than the words that you so emphatically hide from my ears, which long to hear and dissect them. 

     I've made the analogy several times that I am the FM radio, where you are AM radio, and that we never seem to be on the same station. How FM is fun and wild and fills the air with music. Music is the coloring of the soul and in my opinion the grandest display of our hearts truest intentions. Am being facts and the tragedies of the world not very entertaining. Facts, happenings being the food of the mind, but not always so easy to interpret when it is given to us in the mellow tones of faceless voices. I believe that I've spent a lot of time dwelling on that, and trying to fix what I see by forcing you to say things to me that you might not really feel.
     I miss you, I adore your intelligence, and I feel that the strongest moments we've had are in the times of togetherness, where you not only open your heart but also your mind to me. You have a brilliant mind, and I love you, not because I'm a teenage girl who feel compelled to act like an adult in an adult relationship. But more because I'm not so inept to be pulled by the traditions of media driven teens when it comes to their "hook ups". You told me that you feel that "we are just teens and it isn't like this is marriage..." And you are right we are teens, and we are not married.
     I want you to be informed though that my infatuation for you is not driven in order to capture "while I can" the essence of teenage "love". I know that teenage "love" is surface and fading faster than the seconds, and I'm not so easily deceived as to chase things that are intangible. I see my time as more precious that is why I have been trying desperately to fill my time with you.
     I don't see you as my boyfriend, or my love, I see you as an amazing human being that I get the privilege to learn from and grow next to while I try to make it through the end of my childhood, and hopefully into my adult life. I also feel personally guilty of some of the miscommunication between us. I don't feel that I've ever had the opportunity to share with you the 40 year old that possesses my mind, and dwells inside my teenage body. I feel in a lot of ways that my soul is drawn to souls like it, and out of the very limited times you've actually let me into your head, I can see that you are sooo much more than what you pretend to be.
             " You remind me of the song that I am, and you sing me back into myself"
     I watch you carefully when your thinking, when your laughing, when your interacting with the people all around you. I watch you when you watch me, and when you lie to me, and when you tell me truths. I love all these facets of you, and I'm intrigued, and pursue to find their root in you. The thing that disturbs me though is that I feel that you don't do the same, and that you don't want to. I think that either I'm right and I've just now admitted that we can never be. Or that I've just made a fool of my self( which I would prefer to be) and admitted that I'm so blind to the intricacy of you.
     What scares me at this moment is that one day you might stumble upon this and take it as either me declaring the horrible things about you that I can't stand, or me declaring my love for you which thus far has seemed to have no effect on you at all. I'm most afraid of you after reading this still not being effected by my words. I feel that I'm giving all of my time and attention into displaying for you my love through words, and every action that I possibly can.
     All I want is for you to show me that you feel anything at all. more than "like", petty teenagers in petty "hook up's" which are unworthy to be called relationships, only pursue like, but call it love. I'm asking you if when you picture the future your heart sting( even a little) at the thought of me not being in it. If when you say you want to see me, or that you miss me it's because if you don't see me you feel that you won't find a moment to rest until you do. If the fact that we ever met seems like such a blessing, instead of a curse. That's all, and if the best be true, then please if only once in our entire lives together, just admit to me and yourself that you do care for me.. that you do love me.
     My hearts breaking here waiting for you to let it thrive. And I'm just debating on how long I think I can survive with this lurking feeling of uncertainty , and possible rejection constantly hovering above. Either way you won't read this and either way fate will have it's way. I guess im just dreaming that we could make a decision about how we really feel, and not let the days fade away.
  
     

Maybe

If not today, then maybe tomorrow.

If not a laugh for right now, maybe for a memory remembered 20 years from now.

If not a kiss before our last good bye, then maybe in a dream when  we wish we had "this" back.

If not a smile for the hiding of your pain today, then maybe one far from now for pain that's worse then.

If I'm not

If we're not

If your not

Then maybe we will be when our hearts have already stitched back together,

and we will no longer have the capacity to mesh into one.

Maybe when we become detached permanently, will "we" be your priority.

Will we then begin to see, that sometimes in life, love will only ever have one opportunity.

And if we were blind enough to throw it all away,

then we will build the rest of our lives on "we will never be"

And we will have chosen to become "if nots" without any hope of being free.

Symphonic Masterpiece

They put to shame my symphony

Laughed at everything that mazed me

I'm not one to show emotions

Not inspired to cross roaring oceans

Can't see the logic in blind devotion

I spent my childhood alone

Mapped the patterns in her tears across the telephone

Promised that I'd stay a fool

Protect my own self from corruptions rule

A little fool

little fool

Silent Symphony

You counted sheep

I rounded pi

We sat together while the rain dried

You drew their masterpiece

They mocked you back

You put emotions on your sleeves and had your heart attacked

A daring soul

daring soul

Tragic Masterpiece

They stole a part of you

I stole it right back

You stood in pain

While I embraced their attacks

I am helpless

You are free

I am stone eroded my your sea

A daring Soul

A little Fool

Symphonic Masterpiece

I am ....

I am a lost thing

dwelling in a place unfamiliar to me.

I have woken up in this endless canyon for quite some time.

Still I have no idea where it is that this body of mine has been tied down,

to which  forsaken place it is that I have not left.

I still here remain.

I am a useless thing

an object of despise.

Who lacks purpose but posseses intent

and creates nothing in a "useful" nature.

Standing immobile on display for the worlds prying eyes.

I was created by a master who holds all knoweldge unknown to me,

There once was intent and purpose for me, but desire's lost now sadly,

I still am what i appear to be.

I am an Ugly thing,

locked inside a shell,

I invoke disgust, and lead others to anger because this.

The repulsiveness that smothers me is my undoing,

I am saddened for those who gaze upon the hideousness that is me.

More that they cannot comprehend more than this outer layer, leaving scars unchanging

I still am what I am seen as

i am an evil thing

with malice in my heart

and fangs as sharp as poison

whose words cuts deeper, soul destroyer of those unfortunately meeker

antagionist of the tales, who seeks nothing but the pain seeded in tragedy

whose own life is an example to the righteous, reason for their fight, and wheather or not they see

it is my good deed

that i am enabler for the unselfish (the sacrafice to lead)

i am an imprsisoned thing

whose heart is caged up

torn to pieces and locked in solitude until  my will to fight has been strangled out, torn from my chest

stabbed still the bearting heart whose potential was to be a revolutionary

i once pleadged to liberty every part of me

but now circumstantially justified all that i have forsakened, left unfisnished when it's simply

that greateness wasn't meant for me

i am a vulnberable thing

shy and repressed inside

a mind full of wonders to hide, un rationally afraid of logical views because the romatic in me loves hidden passion in forbidden truths

and relentlessly i keep at hiding, to find the one who can sink in and set this tortured child free

unsolveable like a mystery, i try to remain on the outside becasue of the fact

that i am only as unsolveable i  pretend to be

Sea wolf- "the violet hour"

i put my feelings on the outside

wore them for the world

you took those smiles, wrapped them into one

threw them far away

..........................

now..................

you care .........????????????

and i don't posses the strength to smash hearts............

to tell you what "you deserve" especially when you already know what that is

but still i can't discredit feelings

or under estimate the minds power to influence our hearts in the direction of what is absolutely best........

but if i let what you've disclosed to me sink in deep into the cracks of a dried up bitter persons soul.... that means that i must comply with the following:

i must grieve for the heart break that i pushed so far down that resurfacing it will take (1 everything)

then i must come to terms with the fact... that if you truly can't see the rest of your life without a weird fracked up me then that will in and of it's self require...(1 genuine me)

then from that point in development i have to mentally, emotionally, physically prepare myself for many more heart breaks of the same kind  which them calls forth (1 brain founded on lack of healthy personal interest)

from there i'll simply have to reform the "EVERYTHING"... that completely controlled 7 months of my teenage life..... and prepare for the "openness" of  commitment and time vows....

while trying not to let the seriousness of "teenage.... L..... like " destroy all that keeps me a child

All this while im terrified that if i take even one step toward you in this direction.... tomorrow morning you'll realize it was the hormones.... that you'll step one inch back into your life here in the big AZ... and realize you were missing the space that is filled by me..... and all of this will be for nothing........... then at that point in time... i will have no clue as to who it is exactly im supposed to be... or even how much exactly that i mean......