I realized in all my inner conflict that there are a lot of things I haven't said to you that upset me. And though I've spent the past almost 10 months in my inner turmoil I thought it would be healthy to write these complaints down, so their no longer threatening the life they belong to. I wanted to properly complain to you about us in a place I know you will never see these things. Whether or not you even care to read and hear these complaints is debatable at best. So in all deliberations this way seems best to convey to you our relationship through my eyes. Also it will help me go on pretending that you walk on water.
I perceive you to have moderately nobel intentions, and I probably stretch the credit as much as I possibly can. In order to reassure myself that you do care, and to also protect myself from being hurt so often by you. Repeatedly I fell that I am thrown into an emotional spiral with my feeling towards you, and this is obviously unconscious to your knowing. I won't let myself be so heartless, and pathetic to deny having an overpowering need to love you, and a yearning to protect you. But sadly you seem to not be effected by my vigorous devotion, thus you are creating a whole and a mark on my heart.
Love in the form of words seems to something you don't process well, or at all this assumption being bases upon 10 months of experience with you. You say that you prefer to show and use actions to convey what your feeling and thinking. But I'm admitably at a loss, your actions are more misleading than the words that you so emphatically hide from my ears, which long to hear and dissect them.
I've made the analogy several times that I am the FM radio, where you are AM radio, and that we never seem to be on the same station. How FM is fun and wild and fills the air with music. Music is the coloring of the soul and in my opinion the grandest display of our hearts truest intentions. Am being facts and the tragedies of the world not very entertaining. Facts, happenings being the food of the mind, but not always so easy to interpret when it is given to us in the mellow tones of faceless voices. I believe that I've spent a lot of time dwelling on that, and trying to fix what I see by forcing you to say things to me that you might not really feel.
I miss you, I adore your intelligence, and I feel that the strongest moments we've had are in the times of togetherness, where you not only open your heart but also your mind to me. You have a brilliant mind, and I love you, not because I'm a teenage girl who feel compelled to act like an adult in an adult relationship. But more because I'm not so inept to be pulled by the traditions of media driven teens when it comes to their "hook ups". You told me that you feel that "we are just teens and it isn't like this is marriage..." And you are right we are teens, and we are not married.
I want you to be informed though that my infatuation for you is not driven in order to capture "while I can" the essence of teenage "love". I know that teenage "love" is surface and fading faster than the seconds, and I'm not so easily deceived as to chase things that are intangible. I see my time as more precious that is why I have been trying desperately to fill my time with you.
I don't see you as my boyfriend, or my love, I see you as an amazing human being that I get the privilege to learn from and grow next to while I try to make it through the end of my childhood, and hopefully into my adult life. I also feel personally guilty of some of the miscommunication between us. I don't feel that I've ever had the opportunity to share with you the 40 year old that possesses my mind, and dwells inside my teenage body. I feel in a lot of ways that my soul is drawn to souls like it, and out of the very limited times you've actually let me into your head, I can see that you are sooo much more than what you pretend to be.
" You remind me of the song that I am, and you sing me back into myself"
I watch you carefully when your thinking, when your laughing, when your interacting with the people all around you. I watch you when you watch me, and when you lie to me, and when you tell me truths. I love all these facets of you, and I'm intrigued, and pursue to find their root in you. The thing that disturbs me though is that I feel that you don't do the same, and that you don't want to. I think that either I'm right and I've just now admitted that we can never be. Or that I've just made a fool of my self( which I would prefer to be) and admitted that I'm so blind to the intricacy of you.
What scares me at this moment is that one day you might stumble upon this and take it as either me declaring the horrible things about you that I can't stand, or me declaring my love for you which thus far has seemed to have no effect on you at all. I'm most afraid of you after reading this still not being effected by my words. I feel that I'm giving all of my time and attention into displaying for you my love through words, and every action that I possibly can.
All I want is for you to show me that you feel anything at all. more than "like", petty teenagers in petty "hook up's" which are unworthy to be called relationships, only pursue like, but call it love. I'm asking you if when you picture the future your heart sting( even a little) at the thought of me not being in it. If when you say you want to see me, or that you miss me it's because if you don't see me you feel that you won't find a moment to rest until you do. If the fact that we ever met seems like such a blessing, instead of a curse. That's all, and if the best be true, then please if only once in our entire lives together, just admit to me and yourself that you do care for me.. that you do love me.
My hearts breaking here waiting for you to let it thrive. And I'm just debating on how long I think I can survive with this lurking feeling of uncertainty , and possible rejection constantly hovering above. Either way you won't read this and either way fate will have it's way. I guess im just dreaming that we could make a decision about how we really feel, and not let the days fade away.
I miss you, I adore your intelligence, and I feel that the strongest moments we've had are in the times of togetherness, where you not only open your heart but also your mind to me. You have a brilliant mind, and I love you, not because I'm a teenage girl who feel compelled to act like an adult in an adult relationship. But more because I'm not so inept to be pulled by the traditions of media driven teens when it comes to their "hook ups". You told me that you feel that "we are just teens and it isn't like this is marriage..." And you are right we are teens, and we are not married.
I want you to be informed though that my infatuation for you is not driven in order to capture "while I can" the essence of teenage "love". I know that teenage "love" is surface and fading faster than the seconds, and I'm not so easily deceived as to chase things that are intangible. I see my time as more precious that is why I have been trying desperately to fill my time with you.
I don't see you as my boyfriend, or my love, I see you as an amazing human being that I get the privilege to learn from and grow next to while I try to make it through the end of my childhood, and hopefully into my adult life. I also feel personally guilty of some of the miscommunication between us. I don't feel that I've ever had the opportunity to share with you the 40 year old that possesses my mind, and dwells inside my teenage body. I feel in a lot of ways that my soul is drawn to souls like it, and out of the very limited times you've actually let me into your head, I can see that you are sooo much more than what you pretend to be.
" You remind me of the song that I am, and you sing me back into myself"
I watch you carefully when your thinking, when your laughing, when your interacting with the people all around you. I watch you when you watch me, and when you lie to me, and when you tell me truths. I love all these facets of you, and I'm intrigued, and pursue to find their root in you. The thing that disturbs me though is that I feel that you don't do the same, and that you don't want to. I think that either I'm right and I've just now admitted that we can never be. Or that I've just made a fool of my self( which I would prefer to be) and admitted that I'm so blind to the intricacy of you.
What scares me at this moment is that one day you might stumble upon this and take it as either me declaring the horrible things about you that I can't stand, or me declaring my love for you which thus far has seemed to have no effect on you at all. I'm most afraid of you after reading this still not being effected by my words. I feel that I'm giving all of my time and attention into displaying for you my love through words, and every action that I possibly can.
All I want is for you to show me that you feel anything at all. more than "like", petty teenagers in petty "hook up's" which are unworthy to be called relationships, only pursue like, but call it love. I'm asking you if when you picture the future your heart sting( even a little) at the thought of me not being in it. If when you say you want to see me, or that you miss me it's because if you don't see me you feel that you won't find a moment to rest until you do. If the fact that we ever met seems like such a blessing, instead of a curse. That's all, and if the best be true, then please if only once in our entire lives together, just admit to me and yourself that you do care for me.. that you do love me.
My hearts breaking here waiting for you to let it thrive. And I'm just debating on how long I think I can survive with this lurking feeling of uncertainty , and possible rejection constantly hovering above. Either way you won't read this and either way fate will have it's way. I guess im just dreaming that we could make a decision about how we really feel, and not let the days fade away.
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